I think about that one word and this boy, our boy in Rwanda. I think back to when we picked his little face out from the sea of faces before us.
There's a word. We were happy to embrace this boy into our life. Me, a newly single mother, full of hope for a better future too. I was happy to make a small difference. I didn't see the difficult years stretching ahead of us, didn't expect them to overshadow that happiness. I think about how sometimes it was a struggle, how working part time and scratching out an existence was harder than I expected with two young children by my side. I think about the late payments made.
There's another word. I'm sorry for that. I made it though, kept those payments going. Glad too that I did. Things are different now, easier. I think about this Christmas and wish I could see your face. I know you will be laughing. I can just imagine it. There's a present on its way, just for you Eric. I'm hopeful Eric. Real hopeful, that one day I will visit you, hold you in the flesh and see you face to face. Have hope Eric.
* ~//~ *
I need this:
Faith - to hold close to my convictions with unshakeable confidence, because sometimes the years seem to merge so quickly that they are swallowed up in the daily ritual of treading water, afloat - somewhere, but not really going anywhere.
It's hard to see perspective when vision is distant, when dreams feel remote!
I must embrace this:
Courage - to face difficulty, to keep rising up when fear would keep me contained, because if I think about all the things that stand in the way I wouldn't go any further.
The glass ceiling of motherhood on your own is imposing, invisible forces frustrating!
I long for this:
Breadth - to live free from narrowness or restraint, to reach out with greater capacity, because I want to embrace the wide open spaces of this life, make every breath count. Dream impossible dreams and hinge them closely to my heart, hang them around my soul.
Suffocating in a world where negativity is breathed like oxygen, overwhelming!
Have to grasp this:
Depth - to go beyond one's capability, to surpass previous understandings, push past cold hard facts. To disentangle the opposing dogma of a risen truth verses a fallen reality.
Not easy when the head and the heart conflict, when what seems logical makes no sense at all. When living safe means a dream might wither, pointless then!
Must do this:
Purpose - to resolve to do something, to intentionally determine a goal (a mission, an objective ... a line drawn in the sand) with resoluteness, then freely emancipate this life to that calling.
Harder than imagined!
When I think about all of these things, THERE IS one word, one word that gives tangible expression to all of this - expand! I let it rest there, hovering above me, pushing back shadows, dusting off dreams - again! I breathe deeper, breathe more fully. I like this word. A lot!
~ to increase or grow in extent, to distend beyond the point of natural expansion.
~ to stretch out and unfold, to spread out in every direction.
~ to express something more fully or in greater detail, to express oneself more fully.
Substantiate life with unfurling!
The truth is, I need to unfurl my life ... let it unravel a little, walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. I'm hoping for all this!